Back in late 2018, I decided to give online relationships a shot. I've been desperate for romance since my sophomore year of high school, and after no luck in finding a boyfriend from school, I decided to give online dating a shot my senior year. Through an online dating/friendship app, I met a guy and started talking to him every day. We never dated but often talked about what we like and want in a romantic relationship and what we'd do if we end up together; I even showed him a slideshow of my dream wedding. With all the flirting and talk of romance, it was only a matter of time before I started having feelings for him. Unfortunately, he told me we couldn't be together because of family differences before I even had the chance to tell him how I feel. However, despite feeling a little hurt, I still had hoped; I still thought maybe it will work out. It wasn't until he told me his mother is planning to give him an arranged marriage that it really hit me, and it wasn't until afterward that I told him my feelings. For more than a year, I tried to get over him while remaining friends, but my feelings were too strong; it took cutting him off (he still follows me on Facebook, but we don't talk) to really heal.
During this heartbreaking time, I wondered, “why isn’t he the one?” and “Why couldn’t I have him?” I was so desperate for romance and so lonely because I wanted to feel the unconditional love that I couldn't feel from my parents. I knew no human on earth can ever provide that kind of love, but I still wanted a man to fulfill my desire. I knew from my head that God is with me and loves me the way I wanted to be loved. However, I still longed for a physical person.
After rededicating my life back to Christ, I started to realize the unconditional love I wanted; I've had it all along, not from a man or my parents, but from the Lord. I went from trying to recover with my own strength to focusing on our heavenly Father; at night, instead of imagining myself being held by a guy, I would imagine Jesus hugging me instead. Through shifting my focus from the world to the Lord, I finally started to heal and realized why the man I liked isn't for me. The man was sweet; he would always help anyone and be there for them even if they are people that aren't very nice or have hurt him in the past; it was impossible for him to not help anyone; I remember a time he spent a sleepless night talking on the phone with me all night because I was having an anxiety attack. But despite all of his kindness, there was one thing about him that would've been no good for either of us; not only was he an unbeliever, but he was also filled with lust. I believe in God; he only believed in the existence of a god. I firmly believe sex outside of marriage, masturbating, and lustful thoughts are sin; he believes in no such thing, worst of all, he loves porn and dirty talks. I wanted to bring him to God, but I was slipping away; I never physically looked at porn with him, but he did lead me to look up naked photos of a celebrity I really like. My head was filled with lust; I would often, and sometimes still do, imagine myself having sex with a man. In my head, I imagined those thoughts to be within marriage, but the pure reason was to fulfill my sinful desire that would always lead to masturbation. Returning to Christ made me realize how bad an influence he was on me and how it further ruined my relationship with Christ; I realized if we had ended up together, I would've gone down a dark path and continued to be the lukewarm Christian I was.
More than a year has passed since I cut him out of my life, it was painful at first and still is from time to time, but now I know why he isn't the one for me. Despite the occasional pain, I am grateful it didn't work out between him and me. What I've learned throughout this journey surpasses the pain that came with it. I still occasionally feel down and wonder when I will meet my man, but each time it happens, I learn to replace it with God, I learn to trust in Him. I do hope to one day reconnect with that guy; when I do, I would be a very different person from what he remembered me to be, and who knows, maybe this time I can bring him to Christ, but as of now, I don't think I am fully ready to be talking to him just yet. What our Heavenly Father knows is beyond what we can ever want, and I am certainly glad to know what I know now. Always remember the Lord does things for a reason; it may be bitter at the moment, but with it comes sweet honey and blooming flowers. What the Lord knows is beyond what we can understand.
"All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God." - 2 Corinthians 4:15 NIV
"For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God." - 2 Corinthians 4:14 NKJV
During this heartbreaking time, I wondered, “why isn’t he the one?” and “Why couldn’t I have him?” I was so desperate for romance and so lonely because I wanted to feel the unconditional love that I couldn't feel from my parents. I knew no human on earth can ever provide that kind of love, but I still wanted a man to fulfill my desire. I knew from my head that God is with me and loves me the way I wanted to be loved. However, I still longed for a physical person.
After rededicating my life back to Christ, I started to realize the unconditional love I wanted; I've had it all along, not from a man or my parents, but from the Lord. I went from trying to recover with my own strength to focusing on our heavenly Father; at night, instead of imagining myself being held by a guy, I would imagine Jesus hugging me instead. Through shifting my focus from the world to the Lord, I finally started to heal and realized why the man I liked isn't for me. The man was sweet; he would always help anyone and be there for them even if they are people that aren't very nice or have hurt him in the past; it was impossible for him to not help anyone; I remember a time he spent a sleepless night talking on the phone with me all night because I was having an anxiety attack. But despite all of his kindness, there was one thing about him that would've been no good for either of us; not only was he an unbeliever, but he was also filled with lust. I believe in God; he only believed in the existence of a god. I firmly believe sex outside of marriage, masturbating, and lustful thoughts are sin; he believes in no such thing, worst of all, he loves porn and dirty talks. I wanted to bring him to God, but I was slipping away; I never physically looked at porn with him, but he did lead me to look up naked photos of a celebrity I really like. My head was filled with lust; I would often, and sometimes still do, imagine myself having sex with a man. In my head, I imagined those thoughts to be within marriage, but the pure reason was to fulfill my sinful desire that would always lead to masturbation. Returning to Christ made me realize how bad an influence he was on me and how it further ruined my relationship with Christ; I realized if we had ended up together, I would've gone down a dark path and continued to be the lukewarm Christian I was.
More than a year has passed since I cut him out of my life, it was painful at first and still is from time to time, but now I know why he isn't the one for me. Despite the occasional pain, I am grateful it didn't work out between him and me. What I've learned throughout this journey surpasses the pain that came with it. I still occasionally feel down and wonder when I will meet my man, but each time it happens, I learn to replace it with God, I learn to trust in Him. I do hope to one day reconnect with that guy; when I do, I would be a very different person from what he remembered me to be, and who knows, maybe this time I can bring him to Christ, but as of now, I don't think I am fully ready to be talking to him just yet. What our Heavenly Father knows is beyond what we can ever want, and I am certainly glad to know what I know now. Always remember the Lord does things for a reason; it may be bitter at the moment, but with it comes sweet honey and blooming flowers. What the Lord knows is beyond what we can understand.
"All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God." - 2 Corinthians 4:15 NIV
"For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God." - 2 Corinthians 4:14 NKJV
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